I really wanted to ask you guys for feedback on my Lifeguard poem. But I didn't.
I'm freaking out. The script is due Saturday and we have practice on Monday and the TEDxUVU day is April 1st. (Or is this all just a big April Fools Day joke?)
I really used your advice when I helped write the WE SEE YOU poem, and we joke that you did all the work and I got all the credit, but anyway. I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU, I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU, WHO AM I, WHERE DO WE GO WHEN WE DIE?!?!?
you deserve some feedback nels. not from me but from all the real cool writers. we are all like a part of you so we should be able to give you some feedback. yeah. okay. sorry.
everyone is saying they'll give you feedback but no one has actually given you feedback.
so i personally thought it was incredible. the diving in saving part whatever was hands down the best part of the poem it blew me away. DONT WORRY YOUVE GOT THIS you wrote it as a performance and thats what made it so good instead of just standing there and blah blah blah blah so that was really good just everything was just really really good nelson you can practice in front of us again if you want to. but all in all its perfect you should post it on here so we can read it and give better feedback cause this is from memory is this a run on sentence or am i ok?
so i wasn't in class bc i'm in vegas lolz but I really want to hear/see this poem so RT to what madeline said, maybe you could post it here so we can comment on it? and WOW you're giving a ted talk? that's insane.
I remember the first time a teacher hit me in the head with a dictionary. It didn’t make me any smarter.
She wasn't the only teacher who hated me, There were always plenty of fish in that sea. And when it came to school, I was drowning.
I spent a lot of time in corners, thinking about what I've done.
(TURN AROUND...FART SOUND) Mrs. Armstrong, please, we’re trying to do our work. Geeez.
Since 3rd grade I’ve been trying to make people laugh.
The teachers shook their heads, the boys laughed, and the ladies... Well, the ladies just thought I was childish and annoying and they didn’t start kissing me until I was 17, but that's another poem for another time and I'm a professional and this is TED for crying out loud, get it together Kyle, they don't care about how much play you got in high school
or didn't get.
They want to know how after all the dictionaries you became a teacher.
Well, let me explain.
When I was 12 years old, my mom went to see a fortune teller. The lady told my mom that one day I would pull a drowning boy from water and that I would spend the rest of my life trying to save people.
I thought about becoming a lifeguard, but I’m afraid of sharks and I look weird with my shirt off.
So I wear sweater vests to work And when I see young people waving in the halls, I check to make sure they’re not drowning.
You know what. Excuse me, sir. Would you put your phone away please? Pay attention, follow along. No, you may not use the bathroom. I asked you to hold all questions until the end. You, in the back, get your head up. No, you may NOT use the bathroom. Don't clean up while I'm talking. The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do. Don't make me repeat myself. Don't make me repeat myself.
Maybe I should've become a lifeguard. Maybe I did.
We work opposite seasons, but we have more in common than you think.
Teachers and Lifeguards. We got into it for the children. For the summers. Parents rely on us and teenagers ignore us. We both have big plans. We're going to save the world, we're going to save up to buy a car. But we spend more time blowing our whistles, telling kids to stop running, than we ever do diving in and saving people.
We make less than we should, but everyone thinks we have it easy. Each August adds another five years to our faces.
Sometimes fortune tellers get it right. And sometimes they don’t.
No matter what you choose to do with your life, it probably won't go as planned. Lawyers seek the truth, but they get caught up looking for technicalities. Doctors want to heal people, but they’re too busy checking insurance cards. Police Officers got into it for the chase, but get stuck at their desks filling out paperwork.
We'll spend the next offseason wondering if we're doing what we're supposed to. We'll buy a new bottle of sunscreen and think about that old fortune teller.
Then some random Tuesday, a 16-year-old will give us five, and we'll decide to do it all over again.
Ok, so the whole drowning metaphor thing is powerful. REALLY powerful. I just had my friend on my soccer team read this and she said that's what really got her. It totally gets the point you are trying to make across but like in a poetic chills-inducing way. And the diving in part?? Wow. I've never heard someone compare teachers to lifeguards but now that you have I don't know why I never made that connection before. Poems like this run the risk of being cliche but you did this in such a fresh, unique way. It doesn't seem contrived at all and I like the way you wrote it to perform it, like Madeline said. I could imagine you performing it as I read. ANYWAYS this is really long so long story short not only did I absolutely love this but so did the three other high schoolers currently in this hotel room with me so GOOD LUCK NELSON!
In 1st grade, I was waving. In 2nd grade, I was waving. In 3rd grade, I was drowning.
In 6th grade, I was waving again. In 9th grade, drowning. 10th grade, drowning. 11th grade, drowning. 12th grade, drowning.
I didn't become a teacher because I missed high school.
I did it for the money.
I thought about becoming a lifeguard, but I'm afraid of sharks and I look weird with my shirt off.
So I wear sweater vests to work and when I see young people waving in the halls, I look twice to make sure they're not drowning.
When I was 12 years old, my mother went to see a fortune teller. The lady told my mom that one day I would pull a drowning boy from water and that I would spend the rest of my life trying to save people.
Sometimes fortune tellers get it right. And sometimes they don't.
You know what. Excuse me, sir. Would you put your phone away, please? Don't make me call home. No, you may not use the bathroom. I asked you to hold all questions until the end. Pay attention, follow along. Don't clean up while I'm talking. The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do. You, in the back, get your head up. No, you may NOT use the bathroom. Don't make me repeat myself. Don't make me repeat myself.
Maybe I should've become a lifeguard. Maybe I did.
Sure, we work opposite seasons. But lifeguards and teachers have more in common than you think.
We got into it for the children. For the summers. Parents rely on us and teenagers ignore us. We both have big plans. We're going to save up to buy a car, we're going to save the world. But we spend more time blowing our whistles, telling kids to stop running, than we ever do diving in and saving people.
We make less than we should, and everyone thinks we have it easy. Each August adds another five years to our faces.
But we're not the only ones. No matter what you choose to do with your life, it probably won't go as planned. Lawyers got into it to find the truth, but they're too busy looking for technicalities. Doctors got into it to heal people, but they're too busy checking insurance cards. Police Officers got into it for the chase, but they're too busy filling out paperwork.
We'll spend the next offseason wondering if we're doing what we're supposed to.
Then some random Tuesday, a girl with short blonde hair will wave to us, and we'll decide to do it all over again.
I understand if I don't hear from any of you tonight. It's Friday night. You have lives. My family's watching THE MAZE RUNNER in the other room and Theresa just showed up so I'm going to eat some chips and drink a Pepsi and try to figure out why my daughter keeps screaming.
I like the beginning of this one a lot! this is so powerful and you are going to kill it at the ted talk. I think you should put the line about maybe becoming a lifeguard after the fortune teller part. it makes more sense. idk. but i really like this and i think it will connect with a lot of people.
Yeah, I can't get that line right. I agree with you. But I like the sweater vests line to go right after it and I felt like the waving/drowning look twice part had to be closer to the beginning. I don't know. I'll keep looking at that. Thank you CJ.
Then some random Tuesday, a girl with short blonde hair will wave to us, and we'll decide to do it all over again.
Other ideas instead of a girl with short blonde hair.
A 15-year-old wearing a Mariners hat will wave to us A sophomore with his hat on backward will wave to us A young woman with a ponytail will wave to us (why when I mention a girl does it always sound creepy?) A gorilla eating a banana will wave to us A black man on a trampoline will wave to us A turkey farmer with a pitchfork will wave to us A young man carrying a skateboard will wave to us A young man in a yellow shirt will wave to us A young man with a surfing t-shirt will wave to us
"The kid who sits in the corner at lunch will wave to us" Maybe tie it back to the beginning? Agree with Sam, drowning metaphor is amazing. I remember another poem you wrote about teachers and life guards. Good luck with the submissions.
Not sure if I'm allowed to comment on this, but...
"We'll spend the next offseason wondering if we're doing what we're supposed to."
Everyone has offseasons and that part is such a great way to end it because the whole do-it-again concept applies to all humans. Like why do we repeat things that we hate ourselves for doing when we're in the middle of? For the girl/boy/result/mariners hat/whatever you pick. It's so true. This is such a powerful piece about teaching and drowning and saving and repeating and end results and so much more.
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I really wanted to ask you guys for feedback on my Lifeguard poem. But I didn't.
ReplyDeleteI'm freaking out. The script is due Saturday and we have practice on Monday and the TEDxUVU day is April 1st. (Or is this all just a big April Fools Day joke?)
I really used your advice when I helped write the WE SEE YOU poem, and we joke that you did all the work and I got all the credit, but anyway. I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU, I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU, WHO AM I, WHERE DO WE GO WHEN WE DIE?!?!?
I'm not kidding. I just came back to the page to check for comments. It's 3:18. It's been 2 minutes. Do you see how crazy I am?
ReplyDeleteAnd I got all excited because there was one comment. But as I clicked on it, I realized the one comment was me.
I need to get my head examined.
Hell.
ReplyDeleteWe should give feedback on your poem next time.
And in all honesty being a part of the "We See You Video" was an honor, credit or not.
I'll give feedback nyle.
ReplyDeleteyou deserve some feedback nels. not from me but from all the real cool writers. we are all like a part of you so we should be able to give you some feedback. yeah. okay. sorry.
ReplyDeleteeveryone is saying they'll give you feedback but no one has actually given you feedback.
ReplyDeleteso i personally thought it was incredible. the diving in saving part whatever was hands down the best part of the poem it blew me away. DONT WORRY YOUVE GOT THIS you wrote it as a performance and thats what made it so good instead of just standing there and blah blah blah blah so that was really good just everything was just really really good nelson you can practice in front of us again if you want to. but all in all its perfect you should post it on here so we can read it and give better feedback cause this is from memory is this a run on sentence or am i ok?
Thank you Madeline.
Deleteso i wasn't in class bc i'm in vegas lolz but I really want to hear/see this poem so RT to what madeline said, maybe you could post it here so we can comment on it? and WOW you're giving a ted talk? that's insane.
ReplyDeleteOkay fine. But I need any feedback TONIGHT. Because I have to submit the script tomorrow. Thanks in advance for anything.
DeleteI remember the first time a teacher hit me in the head with a dictionary.
ReplyDeleteIt didn’t make me any smarter.
She wasn't the only teacher who hated me,
There were always plenty of fish in that sea.
And when it came to school, I was drowning.
I spent a lot of time in corners, thinking about what I've done.
(TURN AROUND...FART SOUND)
Mrs. Armstrong, please, we’re trying to do our work. Geeez.
Since 3rd grade I’ve been trying to make people laugh.
The teachers shook their heads, the boys laughed, and the ladies...
Well, the ladies just thought I was childish and annoying and they didn’t start kissing me until I was 17, but that's another poem for another time and I'm a professional and this is TED for crying out loud, get it together Kyle, they don't care about how much play you got in high school
or didn't get.
They want to know how
after all the dictionaries
you became a teacher.
Well, let me explain.
When I was 12 years old, my mom went to see a fortune teller. The lady told my mom that one day I would pull a drowning boy from water and that I would spend the rest of my life trying to save people.
I thought about becoming a lifeguard, but I’m afraid of sharks and I look weird with my shirt off.
So I wear sweater vests to work
And when I see young people waving in the halls,
I check to make sure they’re not drowning.
You know what. Excuse me, sir. Would you put your phone away please? Pay attention, follow along. No, you may not use the bathroom. I asked you to hold all questions until the end. You, in the back, get your head up. No, you may NOT use the bathroom. Don't clean up while I'm talking. The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do. Don't make me repeat myself. Don't make me repeat myself.
Maybe I should've become a lifeguard. Maybe I did.
We work opposite seasons, but we have more in common than you think.
Teachers and Lifeguards. We got into it for the children. For the summers. Parents rely on us and teenagers ignore us. We both have big plans. We're going to save the world, we're going to save up to buy a car. But we spend more time blowing our whistles, telling kids to stop running, than we ever do diving in and saving people.
We make less than we should, but everyone thinks we have it easy. Each August adds another five years to our faces.
Sometimes fortune tellers get it right. And sometimes they don’t.
No matter what you choose to do with your life, it probably won't go as planned. Lawyers seek the truth, but they get caught up looking for technicalities. Doctors want to heal people, but they’re too busy checking insurance cards. Police Officers got into it for the chase, but get stuck at their desks filling out paperwork.
We'll spend the next offseason wondering if we're doing what we're supposed to. We'll buy a new bottle of sunscreen and think about that old fortune teller.
Then some random Tuesday, a 16-year-old will give us five, and we'll decide to do it all over again.
Ok, so the whole drowning metaphor thing is powerful. REALLY powerful. I just had my friend on my soccer team read this and she said that's what really got her. It totally gets the point you are trying to make across but like in a poetic chills-inducing way. And the diving in part?? Wow. I've never heard someone compare teachers to lifeguards but now that you have I don't know why I never made that connection before.
ReplyDeletePoems like this run the risk of being cliche but you did this in such a fresh, unique way. It doesn't seem contrived at all and I like the way you wrote it to perform it, like Madeline said. I could imagine you performing it as I read. ANYWAYS this is really long so long story short not only did I absolutely love this but so did the three other high schoolers currently in this hotel room with me so GOOD LUCK NELSON!
Thanks Sam. My heart is warm. Tell those soccer girls thanks.
DeleteIn 1st grade, I was waving.
ReplyDeleteIn 2nd grade, I was waving.
In 3rd grade, I was drowning.
In 6th grade, I was waving again.
In 9th grade, drowning.
10th grade, drowning.
11th grade, drowning.
12th grade, drowning.
I didn't become a teacher because I missed high school.
I did it for the money.
I thought about becoming a lifeguard, but I'm afraid of sharks and I look weird with my shirt off.
So I wear sweater vests to work
and when I see young people waving in the halls,
I look twice to make sure they're not drowning.
When I was 12 years old, my mother went to see a fortune teller. The lady told my mom that one day I would pull a drowning boy from water and that I would spend the rest of my life trying to save people.
Sometimes fortune tellers get it right. And sometimes they don't.
You know what. Excuse me, sir. Would you put your phone away, please? Don't make me call home. No, you may not use the bathroom. I asked you to hold all questions until the end. Pay attention, follow along. Don't clean up while I'm talking. The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do. You, in the back, get your head up. No, you may NOT use the bathroom. Don't make me repeat myself. Don't make me repeat myself.
Maybe I should've become a lifeguard. Maybe I did.
Sure, we work opposite seasons. But lifeguards and teachers have more in common than you think.
We got into it for the children. For the summers. Parents rely on us and teenagers ignore us. We both have big plans. We're going to save up to buy a car, we're going to save the world. But we spend more time blowing our whistles, telling kids to stop running, than we ever do diving in and saving people.
We make less than we should, and everyone thinks we have it easy. Each August adds another five years to our faces.
But we're not the only ones. No matter what you choose to do with your life, it probably won't go as planned. Lawyers got into it to find the truth, but they're too busy looking for technicalities. Doctors got into it to heal people, but they're too busy checking insurance cards. Police Officers got into it for the chase, but they're too busy filling out paperwork.
We'll spend the next offseason wondering if we're doing what we're supposed to.
Then some random Tuesday, a girl with short blonde hair will wave to us, and we'll decide to do it all over again.
Some changes.
DeleteI understand if I don't hear from any of you tonight. It's Friday night. You have lives. My family's watching THE MAZE RUNNER in the other room and Theresa just showed up so I'm going to eat some chips and drink a Pepsi and try to figure out why my daughter keeps screaming.
I like the beginning of this one a lot! this is so powerful and you are going to kill it at the ted talk.
DeleteI think you should put the line about maybe becoming a lifeguard after the fortune teller part. it makes more sense.
idk. but i really like this and i think it will connect with a lot of people.
Yeah, I can't get that line right. I agree with you. But I like the sweater vests line to go right after it and I felt like the waving/drowning look twice part had to be closer to the beginning. I don't know. I'll keep looking at that. Thank you CJ.
DeleteThen some random Tuesday, a girl with short blonde hair will wave to us, and we'll decide to do it all over again.
ReplyDeleteOther ideas instead of a girl with short blonde hair.
A 15-year-old wearing a Mariners hat will wave to us
A sophomore with his hat on backward will wave to us
A young woman with a ponytail will wave to us (why when I mention a girl does it always sound creepy?)
A gorilla eating a banana will wave to us
A black man on a trampoline will wave to us
A turkey farmer with a pitchfork will wave to us
A young man carrying a skateboard will wave to us
A young man in a yellow shirt will wave to us
A young man with a surfing t-shirt will wave to us
(I'm overthinking this)
"The kid who sits in the corner at lunch will wave to us"
ReplyDeleteMaybe tie it back to the beginning?
Agree with Sam, drowning metaphor is amazing.
I remember another poem you wrote about teachers and life guards.
Good luck with the submissions.
I like something along the lines of the kid in the corner for that line...the girl with short blonde hair sounds a little strange for some reason.
DeleteBlue eyed boy with stoner hair.
ReplyDeleteGirl complexed with an artificial smile.
A sinking heart will wave at me and I'll throw my life jacket to you...
Idk I'm trying. But I really like the poem and I'm not just saying that. Give yourself more credit.
Not sure if I'm allowed to comment on this, but...
ReplyDelete"We'll spend the next offseason wondering if we're doing what we're supposed to."
Everyone has offseasons and that part is such a great way to end it because the whole do-it-again concept applies to all humans. Like why do we repeat things that we hate ourselves for doing when we're in the middle of? For the girl/boy/result/mariners hat/whatever you pick. It's so true. This is such a powerful piece about teaching and drowning and saving and repeating and end results and so much more.